Goodbye Lolli

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I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t known what to do or say for quite some time now. This whole ordeal has been difficult for me to even digest, let alone react to. I’ve never witnessed anyone battle cancer and literally fight for their life so I didn’t know what to say or how to comfort my wife. So keeping quiet and attempting to be supportive has been my plan of attack since early last year. I finally had to confess to Ronna yesterday that I had previously been angry with Kim. I internalized my anger, but I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t try chemo one more time. Why she would opt out of the last round of treatment. I realize now this anger was just selfish and immature, but I didn’t want to see her give up. Witnessing her pain over the last couple months and knowing she wasn’t living the life she’s used to has made me realize that my feelings on the matter were irrelevant and that she had earned the right to make that decision. She was the one who had to endure that pain and discomfort, not me. I don’t deal with loss very well and this is no different.

Hearing the testimonies from friends and family was endearing but hard to hear. Watching the slideshow at the service was painful, but seeing those pics of my boys with their Lolli was a memory that cancer can’t take away. Just the fact that she went by Lolli was a testament to who she was. She wouldn’t have a standard monicker like “grandma” or “granny”, as Walter would have had it. She spoiled those boys and loved them from day one and it’s going to be hard to tell Sawyer his Lolli is gone. We used to get in trouble for not having socks on the baby and now I won’t be able to dress the boys and not think of her. Trips to the river won’t be the same, but I promise you Lolli – those boys will swim. Every time the family wants to go to Jim’s Pizza, I’ll reluctantly agree but I’ll know I’m not alone in wishing we were eating somewhere good and, just like her, I’ll suck it up because Ronnie and Ronna love it.

My heart goes out to her closest family in this time, but especially to Gray and Ronnie. I know she’ll never be replaced, but you must know we’re here for you. Lolli, I’m going to do my best to be a big brother and a good son. You can rest assured that Ronna will be there during those times that Gray will need his mom – like getting ready for Prom or his wedding someday. I’ll make sure his tie is on straight and Ronna will make sure his hair is styled. I sure won’t tell Ronnie what to do, but you should know he hasn’t had a coke in a week.

Goodbye Lolli, we’ll miss you. Love Josh.

7 thoughts on “Goodbye Lolli

  1. Clarissa frerich said:

    That is a truly touching story Josh. Prayers for your family during their grieving process.

  2. Rebecca Shoalmire said:

    Josh, what sweet words. I know your presence will be comforting to her immediate family. You sound like such a loving man and I know Gray will need you along with his Dad.

  3. Jaimee Hudson said:

    What an awesome tribute, Josh. I was honored to sit up front yesterday and even more honored to have had our “Kimbo” in my life for 3 decades! I knew she was special and I knew all of MY stories and experiences, but I had no idea the depth of the lives that Kim has touched. What an amazing friend, mother, grandmother, sister,mother-n-law, daughter, aunt, and so much more. She is surely missed. Please take care of “Big Ron” as she sometimes called him and sweet, happy-go-lucky Gray Bird. Reality hits hard. Thank you for sharing.

  4. paige moore said:

    I went to school with Kim and she was an amazing person. Your letter was amazing and I know you was a amazing and supporting husband. My thoughts are with you and your boys. And praying for you in the days and months ahead.

  5. Tona Fair Ford said:

    Very well said. I hadn’t seen or been around Kim in years, but I grew up with Kim and we made friends early on in our lives. She was very kind, funny and a such a dear friend and schoolmate that I will never, ever forget! She truly touched my heart and life. I will forever be blessed by knowing her. Love and prayers to her family and friends.

  6. Shelley Pennington said:

    Beautiful words for a beautiful soul. Kim is very fortunate that you will be there to remind Grayson and your babies of all of the wonderful things that made Kim who she was.

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