I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t known what to do or say for quite some time now. This whole ordeal has been difficult for me to even digest, let alone react to. I’ve never witnessed anyone battle cancer and literally fight for their life so I didn’t know what to say or how to comfort my wife. So keeping quiet and attempting to be supportive has been my plan of attack since early last year. I finally had to confess to Ronna yesterday that I had previously been angry with Kim. I internalized my anger, but I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t try chemo one more time. Why she would opt out of the last round of treatment. I realize now this anger was just selfish and immature, but I didn’t want to see her give up. Witnessing her pain over the last couple months and knowing she wasn’t living the life she’s used to has made me realize that my feelings on the matter were irrelevant and that she had earned the right to make that decision. She was the one who had to endure that pain and discomfort, not me. I don’t deal with loss very well and this is no different.
Hearing the testimonies from friends and family was endearing but hard to hear. Watching the slideshow at the service was painful, but seeing those pics of my boys with their Lolli was a memory that cancer can’t take away. Just the fact that she went by Lolli was a testament to who she was. She wouldn’t have a standard monicker like “grandma” or “granny”, as Walter would have had it. She spoiled those boys and loved them from day one and it’s going to be hard to tell Sawyer his Lolli is gone. We used to get in trouble for not having socks on the baby and now I won’t be able to dress the boys and not think of her. Trips to the river won’t be the same, but I promise you Lolli – those boys will swim. Every time the family wants to go to Jim’s Pizza, I’ll reluctantly agree but I’ll know I’m not alone in wishing we were eating somewhere good and, just like her, I’ll suck it up because Ronnie and Ronna love it.
My heart goes out to her closest family in this time, but especially to Gray and Ronnie. I know she’ll never be replaced, but you must know we’re here for you. Lolli, I’m going to do my best to be a big brother and a good son. You can rest assured that Ronna will be there during those times that Gray will need his mom – like getting ready for Prom or his wedding someday. I’ll make sure his tie is on straight and Ronna will make sure his hair is styled. I sure won’t tell Ronnie what to do, but you should know he hasn’t had a coke in a week.
Goodbye Lolli, we’ll miss you. Love Josh.